“More will be revealed”

February 9, 2014

My Running

If you’ve read any of my blogs, then you know I love how running makes me feel. And you know how I struggle to be a strong runner. And you know how much I love my life.

And you know how shattered I felt when I went through my divorce.

I say “felt”….because it felt like I had shattered. But I wasn’t shattered. I was rebuilt. I am what you would call refurbished!

I haven’t written in a long time. Because I haven’t trained in a long time. And running does something to my mind. It heals it. But before it heals it, it purges and declutters memories. Sometimes that doesn’t feel good but I know the end result is good.

I went for a four mile run the other day that just about killed me. When I was done I felt like I had run a half marathon! Four milers used to be my short runs! I am not back to square one. But I just might be at square three! While I was running and dying, I was trying to remember my life before running. And something totally random came to mind that mentally kicked my ass. As you know, my marriage ended against my will. I was not the one who sought single-hood. I was not the one who wanted it to be over. I was not the one who fell out of love. And the more I stay alone in my head–the more I can end up completely 100% blameless. Honesty keeps me humble. Boy does it.

Truth: I took my husband for granted.
Truth: I often only thought of myself.

Ouch.

I am 21 years sober. When my marriage ended, I had 14 years of sobriety. And in that 14 years, my husband was very supportive of my AA program. Supportive as in: he went with me to every AA convention I wanted to go to. And we went to about four per year for many years. He went to the speaker meetings. The sober dances. Whenever I wanted him to go–he went. And he never complained.

He started going to Alanon at my insistence. After many years of my insistence. He finally went. And he met a group of guys. He began to make regular meetings. He seemed happy. And then he asked me to go to an Alanon convention with his group of friends. And we made plans to do just that!

The day of the convention, the afternoon of….a friend called me. She had been dating this P.I., and her boyfriend was being sent to do some P.I. work at a bar. She told me it was going to be so much fun, and I knew it would be fun. How can it not be fun at a bar! I immediately told her “of course I’ll go!! Fun!!!!!”

I didn’t even think to say I had plans. Or that I had to talk it over with my husband. Why would I do that?!

I went into the livingroom and told him I was going to the bar with my friend instead, because we were going to do some P.I. work, and I’ve never done that before, and we get to pretend to be customers….and it’s going to be so much fun!! He asked me “what about the convention?” I said “well you can go!” I (now) remember he kind of paused and said, “it’s ok….we don’t have to go….” And I said “well you can go without me!” He said “nah, I don’t want to go if you don’t go…..”

And I happily said: “ok!! I’m gonna go get ready!!”

And I went to get ready and I went out with my friends that night. And I had fun. And I came home to tell him how much fun I had. And true to his word….he didn’t go to the convention without me.

Insert cringing right here…..

I have made so many amends to this man throughout my sobriety–throughout our divorce. And here pops up another memory that I definitely owe an amends for. Will I do it? I don’t know–the relationship we have today is close to zilch—his wish. So I don’t see myself calling him up to bring this up. However if the opportunity ever comes up and this becomes a part of our conversation—I will not hesitate that’s for sure. I remain willing.

My purpose for writing this is not to “beat up on myself”. It’s not to “be filled with regret”. It’s not to keep myself anchored to my past. My purpose for writing about this is to remind me, that I am not 100% blameless. I can go from serenity to resentment in a matter of 3 seconds. And I can focus on the end of the marriage and who did what, who broke who’s heart, blah blah blah. But this memory makes me feel less resentful. This memory actually makes me understand a little more of why he may have left.

This memory keeps me right-sized.

This memory makes me grateful. Because I am not that same person. I am sorry for not respecting him enough to keep our plans. :-(. Something so simple…..and it just went right over my head at the time. And I truly, honestly….didn’t see a single thing wrong with my decision at the time.

Sigh.

Tonight I shared this memory in the meeting I went to. And someone else commented on how they could relate to doing hurtful things….in sobriety. And how when these types of memories come up….the holes we have inside us are actually being filled.

When we know better, we do better.

And THIS is how running heals me.

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About rsouleret

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I work full time. And I run. ILML.

View all posts by rsouleret

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