Chasing Cars

April 3, 2013

My Running

I watched the movie “Silver Linings Playbook” and loved it. It’s about this man who caught his wife cheating and LOST IT. Ended up in a mental hospital only to get out and still battle with denial. There’s a part in the movie where he hears this one song that always throws him over the edge. And his therapist told him he needed to find a way to not let that song get to him. And it reminded me of my “lost all control” song: “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol.

Chasing Cars was a popular song in 2006 and every time I heard it, I was transported back to the first couple weeks my husband walked out on me. Left me. Dumped me. Didn’t want me anymore. And it killed me. I had that song on my iPod because I had loved it at one point. And in those early days when I would run to literally save my life–that song would come on the iPod and I would stop, and sit wherever I was at and CRY. SOB. BREAK DOWN. There are so many curbs in Brea, CA where I had to sit and cry because I couldn’t run. I was such a broken woman.

It never dawned on me to delete the song.

I moved out of Brea to Huntington Beach….new place, new running path, new life right? Except once in a while that song would come up and I would cry when I was running. I no longer had to stop wherever I was….by this time I could cry but keep running. Eventually I could keep running if I heard the song and didn’t break down till my run was finished. Progress!!

It never dawned on me to delete the song.

Years passed and that song always took me back to the first couple weeks he had left. Took me back to a time when the heartbreak was so fresh. And raw. Took me back to a time when I was a broken woman.

B r o k e n.

And finally– last year when I was able to finally experience some happiness….the one thing that could be guaranteed to make me sad, or nostalgic….was Chasing Cars. So I decided: Fuck That….and I put the song on “repeat” on my iPhone. And I listened to it everyday, over and over. On my way to work. On my way home. When I was running. When I was picking up my daughter from school. When I was going to sleep. When I was getting ready for work. It took me a couple weeks to become immune to the feelings that overwhelmed me when it came on.

But I did become immune to it….

Now when I hear the song, I remember what it used to be like. It reminds me of how far I have come. It reminds me of how strong I am. It reminds me of the mental obstacles I have had to overcome. It reminds me of the times I used to run and collapse on the nearest curb because I was sobbing uncontrollably. And it reminds me that no matter how rough it gets…..it will get better. It reminds me of those two weeks I listened to it day and night, on repeat….determined not to be drawn into a painful past anymore.

Determined.

I’m glad it never dawned on me to delete the song. Now when I hear it, it makes me feel strong. It reminds me to keep going. It reminds me to never give up. It reminds me to face things–not avoid them.

Chasing Cars is a song about what? I don’t even know. Is it about love? Are they actually chasing cars? I never paid attention. All I know is how I felt when I heard it…and how I feel now when I hear it. Big difference. This song was my own private Hell. And I would never share with anyone what this song did to me. I would leave stores if this song came on over the radio. It was that powerful.

But I have strength. That is something I would never have said before this year. And this is what not being able to run has given me. Not running was a gift that I didn’t know was a gift.

Not running forced me to turn inward and figure out what it was I wanted. Not running forced me to stop and see what I am running from.

Anyway–below is a picture of me before and after. The first picture was taken in February. The second picture in April (today). I cried when I put the two together. It’s a result from “not running”. Because I couldn’t run– I began to cross train and weight train. The first picture was taken the day I decided to stop standing on my scale. (Another gift).

How is it that painful things are gifts? And will I ever get to get the gifts without the pain? Do I even want to? Because I treasure my gifts so very much because of the pain.

I love my life. I don’t regret my past. I don’t regret one moment of pain and heartache. I don’t regret one moment of all those tears.



This picture is a picture of my True Self emerging. And I am so excited. :-)

20130403-215920.jpg

My False Self on the left. My True Self emerging on the right…


I also have to add that I have been running more and more lately. Within the past couple of weeks, I’ve been running a few times a week. 5 miles…3.5 miles….and a one-miler after a strength training session. My heel pain (plantar fasciitis) is not AS bad as it was and I’m icing it, stretching, wearing inserts. The pain is not gone completely….but now it’s a soreness and not pain. Much better. When I run now….I am so so so so so happy to be back on the road.

Happiness IS an inside job. How do you define happiness?

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About rsouleret

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I work full time. And I run. ILML.

View all posts by rsouleret

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