Rambling Thoughts on Running, or lack of….

March 25, 2013

My Running

When I first decided to start a blog to document my running journey—I had no idea I would be pushed out of the game this long.

It. Is. So. Disheartening.

As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog–not running is what forced me to expand my world to include spinning, strength training and meditation. I lost interest in spinning because it was an indoor sport and I don’t want to be indoors. And no….biking out on the open road holds no attraction to me. But it was a gift while it lasted.

Strength training has been a lifesaver lately. I have really enjoyed doing workouts with weights and then going for a short one or two mile run. I started going to a Friday “barefoot boot camp” that takes place indoors on a mat. We use all body strength–no weights. I love it!! Friday nights at 4:30 you will find me barefooted and at bootcamp. And sweating and cursing too! I have found some of my happiness again in that routine.

I have gotten back to my Tuesday runs with my Tuesday Run Buddy, after being absent for a good three months. I realllllly love Tuesdays now. I went for a 5 mile run on my own this past Saturday morning. My heel hurt for the rest of the day. But not enough to discourage me from running again.

I have, however, had second thoughts about my upcoming half marathon in May….

Running symbolizes so much in my life. An entire transformation–emotionally and physically. I was devastated when I went through my divorce….running literally saved me. When I was emotionally dying—running kept me from jumping off the deep end. Physically it transformed me. When I started to run in 2006 I was about 205 lbs. So when I have thoughts that maybe….just maybe…running wont really be a part of my future…it feels like a little part of me dies. :-(

And then the runner in me pops her head up and says “Fuck that. I’m not done yet…” And I think there’s no way in the world I will ever give it up. I can slow my pace down. I can go on shorter runs. I can sign up for 10k’s instead of half marathons. I will stick to trails rather than concrete or pavement. There will always be a way to run. Always.

Running used to be my time to meditate. Running 4 or 5 times a week kept me pretty sane. But now meditation is not consistent and that’s the hardest thing to commit to. I don’t know why. The idea of taking 10 minutes every morning to begin with sounds so easy!. But it truly is easier said than done. I have downloaded meditation apps. Meditation timers. Meditation music. Meditation readings. And there it sits in my phone collecting virtual dust. I even joined Oprah’s 21 day Meditation Challenge with Deepak Chopra. I completed the first one. It started 15 days ago…

Being forced to tap into my inner strength (because I refuse to let go of the freedom I have found from running) has caused some mental rearrangements. If that makes sense. I find myself thinking more about my future, and less of my past. Which to me, means I have more hope today than regret. Which is a good thing.

Twenty years I lived with my parents and lived by their rules. The next twenty years I lived with a husband and molded myself into what I thought he wanted. And now I am truly my own person, finding my way into this world. Making this world my own. So many things are new to me. 45 years old and sometimes I am in awe of the most simplest things. I have learned that there’s a true self within me that has been covered up by a false self…..and my true self is appearing more and more, little by little…it really is a wonderful thing.

It’s hard to explain—so I won’t. Some of you will get this. And some won’t. And that’s okay.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. –Jeremiah 29:11

My picture from my run on Saturday–at the wetlands–because I am not done yet.


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About rsouleret

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I work full time. And I run. ILML.

View all posts by rsouleret


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