Mirror Mirror on the Wall

January 28, 2013

My Running

So I’ve been silent because life has not been such a smooth ride lately. I thought that running helped me to become my own friend. While that is true to some extent, what is more true is this: NOT RUNNING has forced me to become my own friend whether I wanted to or not.

NOT RUNNING gave me no other option but to face myself and reach way way inside for the happiness I was able to experience in 2012.

NOT RUNNING painted me into an emotional corner that gave me no room to keep backing away.

I had to start moving forward.

When I first began to run in 2006 I had no idea that I was starting a journey into self awareness. My intent was to travel the road of weight loss. The road of health. The road of happiness. It took me many years to reach all three.

Happiness does not come natural to me. And NOT RUNNING was and is equivalent to someone grabbing me by the chin and forcing me to turn my head while yelling at me “LOOK!!!”

And I had no choice….but to look.

At me.

45 years old and still (or just now?) learning about what makes me tick. Why I say the things I say. Why I think the things I think. Why I react the way I react. Why I do the things I do. Why I perceive the things I perceive.

E t c e t e r a . . .

Disclaimer: This part of my journey is too private to share openly on a blog as it involves other people that I love and do not want to hurt. So I hope it isn’t too vague without all the specifics. I have to spare you the details.

But what I will say is this: I don’t love myself. What a statement. One I never thought I would make in public. But it’s true. I don’t. I thought I did. But I talk to my friends much nicer than I talk to myself. And I am determined…..determined….to be my own best friend. I am a good friend to many….and I want myself as my own friend now.

I notice the older I get–the easier it is to cut rude unthinking selfish people out of my life. Without a second glance. Well maybe without a 15th glance. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps it’s neither. Perhaps it’s my first step to loving myself.

Phase 1 (of many): believing I am worth having good friends who care. With words and actions.

NOT RUNNING has forced me to do what I never wanted to do.

Look in the mirror.

To be continued….

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About rsouleret

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I work full time. And I run. ILML.

View all posts by rsouleret

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