January 1st, 2013….Buckle Up.

January 1, 2013

My Running

Today is a new year. It didn’t really come with all the hype and anticipation previous years came with. I have a few resolutions, all of them having nothing to do with weight loss—and all of them having to do with LOVE.

This year, for whatever reason, has come quietly. I did not go out and “paint the town red”. I did not go out and buy a new dress. I did not try to lose 10lbs before New Years Eve. I did not make any plans for the evening because for me—it needed to be a quiet one.

I have often heard it said “acceptance is the answer to all my problems”. While that statement is true–for me, right now in this moment, it seems too passive. Ok so I accept how things are and just move on? Isn’t that kinda similar to sweeping it all under the rug? Today what holds true for me is: “awareness is the answer to all my problems”. All difficulties I am experiencing in life right now can all be traced back to me. When I am unaware of what is making me tick—problems just keep hanging around. Not problems like not being able to pay a bill, or I need to drop 20lbs…..no. I’m talking about the mental problems/fixations that are always forcing me to keep my walls up. I thought that by being an open book on Facebook and telling everyone about my life….my walls were down.

Not true.

And I’m over the marriage. That’s not what this is about. So that is not what is keeping me prisoner. It’s what the divorce triggered. The divorce was not the cause. It was the gateway. The gateway into something deeper and bigger than I ever thought possible. It took me six years to reach the beginning of the journey! The journey to self-love. What a fucking road this is. Filled with all kinds of potholes and drawbridges. Stop signs, detours, and sobriety checkpoints. Welcome to my life.

I still love it.

I just have a strange sensation that I will love it even more. But not without some pain first. Ironically I think the best part of 2012 was the last week of it, when some awareness kicked in and I got a painful reality check.

My new Year’s Resolutions are:

  • go back to every run I’ve ever done and beat my time. That starts in February.
  • make a six week consecutive commitment to go on Sundays (No–not church)
  • incorporate some yoga and swimming into my running regimen
  • meditate at least 3x a week and focus on all the good in my life
  • less texting and more talking. (DID I JUST SERIOUSLY PUT THAT IN WRITING?!)

  • All of the above resolutions are all based on self-love. I said early last year that 2012 was going to be my year. And it was. I was the happiest I had ever been. And then it ended on a bittersweet note. The last week was pretty hard. Mentally. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I’ve been waiting for this “high” to disappear….but I was waiting for a depression to settle on me when the “happy high” vanished into thin air. Because I could never be not happy and not depressed at the same time. I was always one or the other. So it seemed reasonable to me to anticipate depression showing up on my doorstep. But 2012 carried my happiness for the entire year, except for a few weeks. How amazing is that?!

    Twenty-Thirteen is not going to be my year. I don’t feel as resolved as I felt before. I feel a bit scared of what 2013 will bring me. Because I will be trekking on new ground. I don’t want the same things anymore. I want everything to be new. My way of thinking. My exercising. My commitments. My habits. My feelings. My horizons. My perceptions.

    It’s not about distance, mileage and smaller pants size anymore. But I wouldn’t have reached this place without the distance, mileage, and smaller pants size…..my journey of these things took me places I never imagined.

    Because I was never taught to imagine.

    2013 will be the year of imagination.

    Walt Disney would like this blog. Wasn’t he big on imagination? And he created a park with roller coasters, using his imagination. (I don’t like Disneyland nor do I really care for roller coasters.)

    But if 2013 is going to be the Year of Imagination…..then I need to buckle up.

    LET’S GO!

    If you could imagine one thing for your upcoming year….what would it be?

    When I got this tattoo (Chinese symbol for LOVE) it was for the purpose to serve as a reminder that LOVE DOES EXIST! I have never had a tattoo (I have 7) change its meaning and purpose. But this one has. Love can only exist if I love myself first—how do I do that? Well–we will find out!!

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    About rsouleret

    I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I work full time. And I run. ILML.

    View all posts by rsouleret


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