I Heart Running <3

November 2, 2012

My Running

So far this has been an amazing year.

I signed up with Team in Training and made some AMAZING friends and walked away with some solid friendships. The entire experience was simply incredible. My plan is to return as a mentor. And train with some first timers. I never imagine I would have had this good of an experience. (“Good of an experience”?? Is that good grammar??). I was fearful and intimidated when I signed up. Wasn’t sure I’d quite make the fundraising. Wasn’t quite sure I’d show up to the practices. Wasn’t quite sure I was cut out for group runs. But with all my fears and doubts, I showed up. And they embraced me.

Finishing the Nike Women’s (half) Marathon is a memory that will stay with for forever and a day. I smile when I remember crossing that finish line. I smile when I remember “running” up those hills. I smile when I remember hating mile 12 to 13. I smile when I remember how uncomfortable my long sleeved shirt was. I smile when I remember the crowd. I smile when I remember it all. The excitement. The tears. The feeling of floating.

I tried to blog a few years ago. Every single blog was about my heartache and my failed marriage. Every single blog was about HIM. I know I mention my heartache several times on this blog but I can’t express my happiness without that starting point or baseline. Because where I’m at today–I never in my wildest dreams would have believed I could have made it. Made it where?

Here. In the present moment. In today.

However with this recent gallbladder surgery and my restriction from running…my comeback is slower than I wanted. And I kinda keep living in the past. Im so focused on my past speed…. granted, I’ve only run ONCE since surgery….and I ran 2 miles and a 9:45 pace. My friend told me that was fast. My response was: “well it was only two miles and before my surgery I could run at about a 9:15 pace for that distance….so actually it’s slow…” Seriously? I said that? I surely would not tell a friend that if my friend had surgery and that was their first time back. This is what I mean….my head is not my friend when I don’t run. And how funny I was focused on my faster pace when I could have just as easily have remembered that my pace (before Team in Training AND with no surgery) USED TO BE 11:30–12min miles!! I’m nicer to myself when I run. What running has to do with being nice to me….I’ve no idea. But that’s what happens so I have to keep running. It’s a great thing for me that I absolutely love it.

I used to dread running. So much that one time a friend asked me “WHY DO YOU RUN??” I answered “because I like how I feel when I’m finished”. I was not in love with running. I was in love with being done with it. I ran alone and got lost in music and let my head torture me for however many miles I was running. But now, I love it WHEN I’m running. I love my running shoes. I love my running clothes. I love my running caps. I have my running shirts hanging in my closet. I have all my running bibs. And every so often I touch them. All my medals hang in my room.

I. Love. Running. Today.

The mind that used to torture me doesn’t anymore. And that is the biggest gift I have ever received.

Weight loss has been the other gift I’ve received. My blog has running, weight loss, and surviving a divorce all tied ip together. The woman I was many years ago is not the woman I am today. Today I showed my boss two old pictures of me not even at my heaviest. He looked at the one where I was smiling. He said “if you weren’t smiling….I wouldn’t have recognized you. I recognize that smile. You’re always happy…I’ve never seen you NOT happy…”

And I thought to myself: “I wanted to die at one point I had sunk so low. And here is someone saying they’ve never seen me NOT happy…”

Happiness seemed like an illusion that would never be within touch. It was like “tomorrow”. Just always out of reach. It was a made up word. Like “supercalifragilistocexpialidocious”. It was an improbable concept. Like Mary Poppins. Or the Wizard of Oz. Or flying monkeys. It didnt exist. Not in real life. Happiness was just an illusion!

Or so I thought.

Life lessons are sometimes painful. But the other side….is freedom. Freedom from self. (For me.) Today I read somewhere…I don’t even remember where….it said when an arrow is going to be shot it has to be pulled back first. And that sometimes in life, we go back in order to be shot forward, at an incredible speed. And the farther it’s pulled back….the farther and faster it shoots forward. I could be an arrow. I was pulled back for a long time. But right now I am flying……at an incredible speed.

Lets not think about the landing just yet…


“When you’re going through Hell….keep walking”. –Winston Churchill


20121102-130942.jpg
My first run post gallbladder surgery.


20121102-131136.jpg
Me at 27, and 200lbs. Then me at 45, not 200lbs, a runner, and happy.


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About rsouleret

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I work full time. And I run. ILML.

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3 Comments on “I Heart Running <3”

  1. love2trailrun Says:

    Well done, my friend. Love the before and after photo. Love you!

    Reply

  2. beatucla Says:

    Great job finishing NWM with TNT. I have also battled weight issues most of my adult life and I feel good where I am but, as you know, it’s an ongoing battle. I hope you do mentor with TNT. I have been active with them since 2004 and have loved every second. Keep up the great work and GO TEAM!

    Reply

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