Rewriting History….or Creating the Future??

September 26, 2012

My Running

EIGHTEEN DAYS.

I’ve been waiting for this day for six years. Or have I?

My first half marathon was a disaster. It was all uphill, even on the flat part. And when I got back home, the uphill became a steep climb that lasted me five years.

I have been doing sooooooo much reflecting in these past couple weeks, I have felt too overwhelmed to write. I’m filled with so much gratitude. Everyday I spend moments thinking about where I have been. Where I’ve come from. Where I went. And where I’m at. And not so much where I’m going, except where I will be in EIGHTEEN DAYS.

In 2006–my marriage was ending right when I was running my very first half-marathon. I was unable to properly train for a few months prior. And mentally….well lets just say mentally I was a huge mess. I was heartbroken to say the least—because I thought my life was ending. And I guess in a sense it was. Life as I knew it WAS ending. I remember when I was at the starting line, ready to embark on what I should have been training for–all I thought was “what is happening?” And I cried the first 6 miles, non stop. And then sporadically after that. It was the worst experience in my life. It truly is a miracle I didn’t give up running right then and there. He moved out the night we returned from San Francisco. And I fell apart.

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Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to talk about my life WITHOUT mentioning being kicked in the heart and left for dead…however I must say right here and right now….I LOVE MY LIFE. And although I was extremely heartbroken—I know everything has turned out the way it was always meant to be for me. So instead of giving up running, I kept at it. I wasn’t a happy person. In June 2007, I had two bottles of pills I wanted to take. And end the pain. Thank god I’m a coward when it comes to physical pain or nausea. I was afraid those pills would make me throw up. And if they didn’t, I was afraid my stomach would be pumped and I would be awake for it. And then I would think of my kids—and that took all insane thoughts away. They will probably never know the extent of pain I was in and how they were my lifeline to my own heart. But I cannot forget that that was how far down I had sunk. Because that is what keeps me filled with such extreme gratitude now. I believe I became a happier mother when my world turned upside down and inside out.

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I stayed in bondage of my past for 5 years. I lived looking through that rear-view mirror. Everyday, wondering what I could have done different. Believing every hurtful word he said to me on his way out. Dis-believing the love my friends tried to bestow on me. Keeping walls up so that no one could get close. I stayed in hurt for a long time, then stayed in anger for a while longer. Until a day came in January of this year—that it became so very clear to me that God saved me. And I won’t say here what exactly happened, but within a matter of hours (and I know exactly when it happened), I was handed a Divine Ticket of Freedom. I think God tried to out-wait me and my misery and when it didn’t seem like I was going to let go of what was behind me, I believe He finally said to me: “OK!!! Here!!! LOOK!!!” And I finally saw.

And I was F R E E.

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And all of a sudden, my smile started to radiate from the inside out. Within a couple months, I was interested in rewriting that painful experience into a much better one. So I signed up with Team in Training and got my entrance to the Nike Women’s Marathon.

In 2006 I had to drop out of TNT.
This year….I am currently $530 OVER my goal of $3200.

In 2006 I didn’t show up to very many practices. Maybe 4 of them?
This year…I’ve gone to almost all of them as well as the midweek practices.

In 2006 I didn’t make friends when I joined TNT because I didn’t talk to anyone.
This year….I have met soul-mates. I have connected. :-)

In 2006 I cried every run.
This year…I have running buddies and run with them every week. And we laugh while running!

20120926-201745.jpg(My Team in Training–Long Beach Chapter)

20120926-201806.jpg(Soulmates I have connected to)

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(my weekly running buddies)

So in EIGHTEEN days, I’m running the race that started it all. I cannot wait. I have been counting down since 66 days. When I signed up with TNT in May…..October 14th seemed so far away. And now it’s EIGHTEEN days away. So am I rewriting MY history….or am I creating my future?

The days of this year are going by so quickly. It’s true–time does fly when you’re having fun. This has been the best year of my LIFE so far. I have two beautiful, strong minded daughters. I have friends who are my soul-mates. My relationship with my mom has bonded in a way that is indescribable. My relationship with my ex-husband is not strained. I know today it takes two to tango. I have friendships I had to let go of, for my own peace of mind and sanity. And you know what? The world did not end!

EIGHTEEN DAYS………but who’s counting???

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About rsouleret

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I work full time. And I run. ILML.

View all posts by rsouleret

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2 Comments on “Rewriting History….or Creating the Future??”

  1. hkbunk Says:

    Your writing always leaves me smiling even when the subject matter is painful memories and past hurts. You write in a way that describes the cleansing of your soul and in doing so, cleanses the souls of those who read. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being one of the most beautiful souls I know. ILML and ILMFR!

    Reply

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