Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

August 27, 2012

My Running

So the last blog kinda left me emotionally spent. Not in a bad way. Never in a bad way.

I have been feeling on top of the world from my weekly practice runs. The gallstones has forced me to eat in a way that is pretty healthy which, combined with running, has helped me drop some pounds. About 12 lbs so far. (Thank you Gallstones). I’ve gotten comments from friends that I don’t quite know how to handle. When they comment on my weight loss, it’s too hard to respond with a simple “thank you”. I tend to go into the explanation of how I’m losing weight: “I’m eating different now because of the gallstones, because I don’t see the surgeon until the 28th, plus I’m running a lot with Team in Training, and I wonder if I will go back to bad eating after the gallbladder is removed–I don’t even know if they will remove it……”.

All that information just because someone said “you look good! I can tell you’ve lost weight!” I’m practicing saying “thank you” minus the medical history.

So that being said….my point to begin with was that I have been feeling FANTASTIC!! The trainings are taking us into longer runs going into double digit miles. This past Saturday I ran 10 miles with a coach that ran with me. He really encouraged me by telling me things that I wasn’t aware of. He told me my breathing wasn’t labored. (seriously?). He told me that my running pace during the run times were around a 9:40 pace. (serious??). He said I was a strong runner and was ready to increase my run intervals. (HUH?)

Hearing that within my last mile and a half of a 10 mile run….made me run to the end without stopping. All the mid week trainings–and weekend trainings are paying off. Commitment was something I couldn’t do before. Diligence was something that had no meaning prior to Team in Training. Doubt was my constant companion. Self-sabotage was my next of kin. And here I was….running 10 miles because I had shown up to practices. I had shown up for me. I was committed. I was diligent. I had never EVER used those words to describe me.

So yesterday while I was doing nothing, I figured I would check out my upcoming training schedule. (they only give it to us 4 weeks at a time). When I saw that the next four Saturdays consisted of double digit runs….I felt like quitting. For the first time since this entire experience–that old fear crept up on me when I least expected it. My only thought was “what? 12 miles? Then 11 miles? Then 10 again? What? Another 12???? No way. I will lie to them and tell them I have to work!”

Immediately I thought “omg Renee, it’s that old fear….get rid of it!!”.

And even though that old fear crept up…it’s still a big change from where I used to be. I was someone who, when I started running, couldn’t last 30 seconds. And I just ran 10 miles as a practice run! I’m someone who used to be in a size 20. And today I’m in a size 10. (hopefully on my way to a size 8). I’m someone who used to stay with the fear and hide behind it. And today I recognize it and try to get rid of it. But I know enough that I can’t just get rid of it. I have to walk through it. Or in my case….RUN through it.

So I will be there on Saturday. With my fear. And I will drop it off somewhere between miles 1 and 12. Because I know when I hit the 12 mile mark…I’m going to be feeling invincible.

INVINCIBLE: (adj.) Incapable of being overcome or defeated; unconquerable.

Fuck you, Fear. You ain’t got nuthin’ on me.

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I got this tattoo on the back of my neck because it’s only visible when I wear a ponytail. I usually only wear a ponytail when I run. And running is what changed me.

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About rsouleret

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I work full time. And I run. ILML.

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4 Comments on “Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real”

  1. hkbunk Says:

    As always, your posts are SOOOO worth the read. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

    As I have only known you since June, when I read your words, my first thought was that you must have suffered a head injury to be speaking so fearfully of the double digits. See I only know a Renee that is strong, positive and powerful. The Renee I know has already conquered 13.1 miles with a smile on her face and conviction in her heart. So you have a few weeks of double digit miles…your body is ready and so is your mind. It is great to hear that you already have a plan in place to get out of your way and celebrate your abilities.

    Reply

    • rsouleret Says:

      Has anyone ever told you that you are awesome??!!!! :-)

      Reply

      • hkbunk Says:

        You did and that is all I need! Thanks again for this morning, you have no idea how much I enjoyed it. The triple benefits I received from my morning with you…a great run, enjoyable conversation that has me respecting you even more and you helped keep my mind off my mom’s surgery. Hopefully, you gained as much from the morning as I did.
        Thanks a million!

      • rsouleret Says:

        I had a fantastic morning and all I kept thinking was how easy it was to talk to you. The run was an added plus Although Those hill repeats kicked my ass!! I’m glad we have become friends. Xoxo!!!!

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